The Emptiness Inside

It’s so strange

The emptiness inside

I feel it-

Right behind my eyes

And around my shoulders

Where my someone

Should hug me

Sometimes

I feel invisible arms

Wrapped around me

But it’s a fleeting sensation

And it leaves the emptiness

There-

Stronger than before

Like looking into the abyss

As the abyss

Looks into me

And takes hold

Pulling me down

Last year

I had

Someone

Who I cared about

But he’s gone

And I miss him

So much

And nobody else is here

In this dark place

Inside of me

Where there should be light

There is only emptiness

Wearing

Gnawing

At my soul

And heart

And mind

I’ve got friends

But no one special

That someone

To care about me

And make me feel safe

Not scared

And alone

Loneliness is a scary thing

Pain

And heartbreak

Seem to fill me

But there’s only

More emptiness

My tears

Would fill an ocean

If I could have

The strength to cry

But I don’t

I’m just a

Scared

Lonely

Little girl

Who just wants someone

To love her back

Right Now....

Right now...I'm no better than the people who have fucked me over in life.

I call myself a friend,yet one of the people that I consider one of my closest friends was sick and I didn't even know about it.

Yea...some friend I am..............

I love my friends dearly,I do....

It's just my own insecurities holding me back.

They have so much going on in their lives and I have squat...I really don't want to bore them with the details of my non-existent life.

I barely even know what's going on in their lives anymore.......

They have work...school and other things to tend to....

I have work...and that's about it....

Ok...lesson of the story,I'm just a shitty excuse for a friend.....

The Heart Recognizes Dreams

Ok..let's talk about frightening nights where I amaze myself...lol

If you had a hammer in your hand
you’d hit the nail on the head.
Dreams put imagination into actions.
The real and the unreal are
reflections of one another.
Illusions or certainties. Who is to say,
when we don’t recognize ourselves
within the mirror of the dream.
Yet we think we know the answers
when the experience becomes
too real; then we laugh; or then we cry.
For there the heart opens up like a slit
sack of grain that spills out on the floor;
either way, it spontaneously ignites
like a struck match in the darkness.

Little Girl Lost

She feels disgrace, vulnerability
when she wears her own face,
so she puts a disguise on
to protect herself from harm’s
way within the passing days.

And in that guise she becomes
hypnotized on the path; she is
someone truly unknown
to those she loves and cares
about. She’s safe and very wise.

In the end she becomes unknown
to herself; she’s grown lost
within that maze of disguises
that she has sown into the world
as her own reflection.

I Don't Know...

I honestly don't...

I've been up,I've been down.

This mask is getting so old.

I put on the facade of someone who's ok...but I'm not.....

I wanna curl up in the biggest,fluffiest bed imaginable and let that snuggle and comfort me.

Have your emotions hurt you so deep that they start to effect your body physically.....

I can't talk to anyone,cause I don't wanna be a burden

No one wants to be around the sad girl.

I'm just hurting inside so bad.....and I don't know what to do anymore.

I honestly don't.

I have sowed a field of flowers divine
I have drunk the purest drops of wine
Tasting every single tear I weep
I long for treasures I dare not keep

Within that field of opium lies
Tempting is the smell of human disguise
While the morning dove pays its fees in its song
I shall not expose my weary soul for long

Looking upon the piercing blue blanket way high
A solid white flag flies against an ebony sky
Drowning in the stench
Drowning in the lie
All I can ever ask is why

Undone

Endlessly I have toiled
In the endless ephemeral
The sea of gold
The waves which lap and temper the soul
All is done and all is said
I wash ashore always hungry for more
More of a life which so fleetingly flies
Across marmalade skies and watchful eyes
The moment of demise will arrive
Between the grit of lives and the waves of lies
Seething...permanent...turbulent is the rush
When colliding with Nature's might and crush
I live the life of a life not lived
Spinning the web of the ghosts which fed
On the truths of reality, the one I held fast and hard once long ago
My eyes have watered salty and cold
Submerged beneath the Sea I shall become
A restless soul, a thing Undone

Well.Finally....

I never really said it out loud,but I think if I write it I won't go into a unbelievable fit of tears.

I've known him for like ever,we felt right....and in some ways we still do fit right.

"I have a daughter,she's 4 years old and I never told you because I didn't know how you would react"......

OK.....I already hate his ex with a passion.She's bratty,she's childish,and you would think the bitch was 11 years old.

I kinda always knew she had something over his head,but never questioned it,because,stupidly I thought "He would tell me if anything was wrong".

Wrong....wrong....soooo fuckin wrong!

I've known you since I was 13...we've been together 3 years...and a 4 year old child didn't seem like an important factor to share?

It baffles me...how you can look me in my eyes and say that you love me,and I feel comfortable...yet I think back now...and it held some elements of a lie.....

.......to be continued......

Well Well...Look What Shannt Dragged In..lol

Ok....so I go to alot of concerts...and I meet alot of interesting people...I went to see Paramore in August of 06 and had the honor to meet Shaant.....lead singer of Cute Is What We Aim For.....he's a truly awesome guy and makes me smile.We would e-mail from time to time and I never really thought much of it..He got busy and what not and I just forgot about it.Until about a month ago when his band came back and he e-mailed me...we met up once again and it was like we were old friends....Either way we bounce stuff off of each other and he sent me this.....I love it....he's slightly on the verge of hating it...the curse of "Writers Block" has ended and has gave birth to this......

By drink 3 it seems that you are a mystery

To me and everyone in between

Your legs level as your head warms up to the blurry scene

Its a wonder that your body consistently redeems 

A fiend of fiction loaded with a pack of convictions

I dig your dirty diction

Im convinced that the only reason why you procrastinate

Is to be, is to be fashionably late

Such a waste of time for such an immaculate face

Only due to a lack of a particular taste

I pace, I prance, I do what I do at any chance

I am the substance and you are the abuse

I just wish that you could choose

I refuse, I refuse, I refuse to ignore

I put you off long enough

Luckily now I see by the score that you belong to be on top...

If I swoop down and swindle your vote

Does it count just the same or does it trigger a revolt?

Rip your jeans for me, regardless of the placement of the seams

I picked the finest thread, the one thin enough to infiltrate your mind, body and bed

Oh! I'm so obnoxious 

Yeah! you wish that I would stop it

Well! If you don't like the way it tastes in your mouth

Then please, go ahead and spit it out

I dig your dirty diction

Hinder or a helper

I have yet to relay to her

That i'm only good on paper

I'd prefer that she'd defer 

I'd love to help your habit

But I doubt that I could grab it.

This is self imposed self control

So Where do I pay the toll?

I was once known as a wordsmith 

Now i can't come up with anything worth shit

Do I look like a runner up to you?

I am the champ with far too many chips

I haven't even come close to do what Im about to do.

My First Love...

I love Chris dearly...I honestly do.......

But recently I got to thinkin about my first love......I loved him...he didn't love me...well not in that way atleast.

He was head over hills for my other friend.....who didn't really give a fuck about him...but she used that to her advantage,but that's a different story.

Either way he became one of my best friends...and I'm worried

I haven't spoken to him in awhile and I never get an answer on his phone which is VERY strange.I wrote to his mother and she told me he had been down lately....He just thought he would be somewhere different right now in life.But things didn't seem to work out...

I'm just freaked out....I'm worried....I don't want him to do anything stupid....

If only I could talk to him...maybe,just maybe I could help..........

::Sigh::

I'm Actually Gonna Save Money.....

I want this phone....

It's gorgeous!!!!...I'll feel like I'll have a bootleg I-Phone....lol....

So I am making a vow....I'm gonna actually save money....for a new phone.....lol......I like my phone now...I'm happy to have one...but I love this one.... :)

She Cries.....

At night, when no one could hear her

In her room, where not a soul could see her

Her whole heart, of tragedy and failure
To the blackened heavens that delivers no cure

Through till after the moon had set
In her dreams where demons still crept
The longing for freedom from inside
And it rains and pours and never subsides

In that early morning rise
And then hides her face in disguise
Till after the pain numbs itself
And then sets it aside in the shelf

Throughout the hours of every day
In different shades of gray
Can you see it in her eyes
But no one really cares when she cries...

Nobody Knows

Nobody Knows

My life goes round and round in circles,

Where I stop nobody knows,

If it’s ever gonna end,

I’ll never know unless it does.

I just want to burst out in tears,

Every night and everyday,

I just want to die so bad,

Nobody cares what I say,

Or how I feel because nobody knows,

No-one will ever know,

Everyday it gets worse,

Can’t cope anymore,

I wish it would just stop,

Cause I feel like I never should have even been born,

And don't want to be alive if my life is going to be like this,

It feels like hell,

So why am I still here?

I wish I knew the answers,

To all these questions,

Then maybe I could change things,

And I wouldn’t want to die.

Why doesn’t it just end?

I wish it did,

But it seems like its never going to end,

So why am I still here?

Seduction of the Virgin

He moves slowly, steadily
Yet he steps on my shadow
He licks his lips and I am caught
I'm his prey...at least for tonight

He wears suffocating cologne
It fogs my brain, puts me in a stupor
Killer smile; I can't breathe anymore
I'm drowning, slowly and painfully

His hands make way to my hips
They guide me, make me move
The bodies around us grind in sync to the beats
Oblivious to the losing battle I'm waging

He catches my hands,
Taking them in his own
Whispering secrets from long ago in my ear
They echo tauntingly, 'Found you...'

His breath on my neck
Hairs standing on edge; waiting and wondering
Damp kisses trail down my back
Shivering, I am weakened

I am caught.

Don't Ask...It's Old....Kinda....I have no idea....

I've written personal things before...but this is....IDK....

Moments....

At this point...I'm hoping everyone has these moments.You wake-up look in the mirror,and wonder.."Why am I here?".I have been pondering this for years and I never seem to find an answer.I have people who love me,yet I feel so empty inside.Chris hugs and kisses me and tells me I'm amazing,and I can't help but feel like he's lying.I know he's sincere,it's just my own sick head.Maybe I'm crazy,that would explain sooo much,but I'm not.I'm a functioning human being in this society.

It's just one of those moments,that seem to plague us all.

Maybe I just think a little too deep sometimes.

Maybe not.....

Well...She called.....

So my friend from highschool called me.....
I answer the phone and ask how she was doing.She said fine and then she went into her rant.
+Were you ever really my friend?
What kind of fucking question is that?
I've always tried to be the best friend I could be
+Well why didn't you speak to me senior year?
Well you we're acting like a bitch letting other people fill your head up with non-sense...good enough answer?
+Why did you act like you were mad at me on prom night?
Well you were over there with people that you called ur friends when all the while they talked shit behind ur back and then you decide to come to my table and act like everything was fine aka you were being fake...keep ur fake ass away from me
+You put my business out there...
Bitch please talk to Lisa about that....I never told anybody a damn thing about you....so get over yourself...quickly....Everyword out of my mouth is not about you....Anyway...you were the one who flaunted yourself all around the guy and he didn't even flinch.We told you just leave him alone...it's not worht the drama or pain...And I should be the one who's mad....cuz I know for a fact you were the one who told Thomas I slept with Derrick Junior year,but I'm a woman and I have enough respect for myself to leave the past in the past.
+Well I heard........
Please,don't come at me like that. I heard alot of shit too...do you see me falling for it all the time
+Well why did you always hang around Sade and Derrick?
Well I did know them longer than you...and you were going through alot shit at the time....plus you had ur hot&cold days when I just left ur ass alone.Plus you were all up so-and-so's ass....
+Why didn't you come to my cousins funeral?
Well it's pretty hard to go anywhere without information....I didn't know anything and I din't wanna bother you and ur family at a time like that....it was a dificult time for you all.
+Well I felt like you never supported me through anything
Well that's ur fucking problem...I know I've been there for you and if you don't see that I truly must have misjudged you.
+Well why did you have an attitude towards me sometimes.
Well I mean when you went home at ther end of the day...that was it you went home and sat on your ass...Me on the other hand I went home and I had to take care of my mother and my father,do my homework.cook dinner,clean the house,study for whatever I had to do in school and then I had a good hour to myself,so excuse me If I was a little bitchy about the fact that I was kinda missing the typical teenage lifestyle...I mean breaking my neck senior year and then going home to break my neck isn't the funnest thing in the world...I'm sorry If I was overreacting....fuck you...
+I know you've lied to me...
Ok...so the fuck what?...are you my boyfriend?No...shut the hell up.You lied to me too and I just brushed it off like whatever......Let's not mention what happened 10th grade....

A matter a fact let's not mention anything from highschool...How old are you?Ur gonna be 22 fucking years old in February,we have been out of school 3 years...people have moved on,they have kids,they have husbands and wives and jobs.What do you have?

You sit at home and nit pick at shit that I have forgotten about.Once I walked across the stage June 2005 the memories I wanted to keep from highschool were good ones.You wanna hold on to the bad,you wanna hold on to the stuff that hurts...I don't.

So I'm gonna live,I'm gonna be happy and I'm gonna let you deal with ur demons,cuz I've already delt with mines.

A New Year....

I say this every year...I make resolutions and never keep them.Sure I try,but then it's like whatever.2009....I honestly just wanna loose weight...I'm tired of being the "chunky" friend...it's not fun at all.People overlook yopu,other may say different,but I know the truth.I mean I'm not blind to the world,alot of people are not as kind and accepting as you would want them to be.It's not even the other people I'm worried about, I just wanna look how I feel.I know some people say that feeling amazing is all in how you carry yourself.No...I've tried and it doesn't help.It all boils down to the fact of that people DO NOT like you for what's inside.You have the rare few that actually will give you the time of day,but others automatically write you off just from looks alone.I try to be that type of person who's like "I don't give a fuck what you think"...but I'm not.People are all about looks,it's sad but it's true.So 2009 will be about me and trying to be the best me I can be.There are some who are like "I like you just the way you are"...well I'm sorry...I don't like the way I am....

Grow Up...ASAP....

You see I could have left this person in my past but I chose to bring her to my future.She's a sweet person when she wants to be,but when life doesn't seem to go her way it's a whole new person.It's like she doesn't want to see anyone else happy....
She's a bitch...there I said it...I've said it before and I'm saying it again cuz it's true.
When we were in highschool.I had the boyfriend...I had the friends.
She struggled with other things.
She wasn't really social and that hindered her from making any new friends
She would always tell me "I'm just ur back up friend",and it pissed me off.Even at age 21 she would still tell me this.She made everything out to be so "perfect" for me.
She never really took the time out to understand....Yea sure I had a boyfriend...I was soooo far from happy it wasn't even funny.Yea...I had friends....but I had those same friends for the longest kind of time....way before her.
I don't understand people like her....they complain about life sucking and not having people there but yet they push people away.

I wish her the best in life....honestly....hopefully she'll be happy at whatever she does....but she's still a whiny little bitch...lmao...and that may be petty right now,but who cares