Right Now....

Right now...I'm no better than the people who have fucked me over in life.

I call myself a friend,yet one of the people that I consider one of my closest friends was sick and I didn't even know about it.

Yea...some friend I am..............

I love my friends dearly,I do....

It's just my own insecurities holding me back.

They have so much going on in their lives and I have squat...I really don't want to bore them with the details of my non-existent life.

I barely even know what's going on in their lives anymore.......

They have work...school and other things to tend to....

I have work...and that's about it....

Ok...lesson of the story,I'm just a shitty excuse for a friend.....

The Heart Recognizes Dreams

Ok..let's talk about frightening nights where I amaze myself...lol

If you had a hammer in your hand
you’d hit the nail on the head.
Dreams put imagination into actions.
The real and the unreal are
reflections of one another.
Illusions or certainties. Who is to say,
when we don’t recognize ourselves
within the mirror of the dream.
Yet we think we know the answers
when the experience becomes
too real; then we laugh; or then we cry.
For there the heart opens up like a slit
sack of grain that spills out on the floor;
either way, it spontaneously ignites
like a struck match in the darkness.

Little Girl Lost

She feels disgrace, vulnerability
when she wears her own face,
so she puts a disguise on
to protect herself from harm’s
way within the passing days.

And in that guise she becomes
hypnotized on the path; she is
someone truly unknown
to those she loves and cares
about. She’s safe and very wise.

In the end she becomes unknown
to herself; she’s grown lost
within that maze of disguises
that she has sown into the world
as her own reflection.

I Don't Know...

I honestly don't...

I've been up,I've been down.

This mask is getting so old.

I put on the facade of someone who's ok...but I'm not.....

I wanna curl up in the biggest,fluffiest bed imaginable and let that snuggle and comfort me.

Have your emotions hurt you so deep that they start to effect your body physically.....

I can't talk to anyone,cause I don't wanna be a burden

No one wants to be around the sad girl.

I'm just hurting inside so bad.....and I don't know what to do anymore.

I honestly don't.

I have sowed a field of flowers divine
I have drunk the purest drops of wine
Tasting every single tear I weep
I long for treasures I dare not keep

Within that field of opium lies
Tempting is the smell of human disguise
While the morning dove pays its fees in its song
I shall not expose my weary soul for long

Looking upon the piercing blue blanket way high
A solid white flag flies against an ebony sky
Drowning in the stench
Drowning in the lie
All I can ever ask is why

Undone

Endlessly I have toiled
In the endless ephemeral
The sea of gold
The waves which lap and temper the soul
All is done and all is said
I wash ashore always hungry for more
More of a life which so fleetingly flies
Across marmalade skies and watchful eyes
The moment of demise will arrive
Between the grit of lives and the waves of lies
Seething...permanent...turbulent is the rush
When colliding with Nature's might and crush
I live the life of a life not lived
Spinning the web of the ghosts which fed
On the truths of reality, the one I held fast and hard once long ago
My eyes have watered salty and cold
Submerged beneath the Sea I shall become
A restless soul, a thing Undone

Well.Finally....

I never really said it out loud,but I think if I write it I won't go into a unbelievable fit of tears.

I've known him for like ever,we felt right....and in some ways we still do fit right.

"I have a daughter,she's 4 years old and I never told you because I didn't know how you would react"......

OK.....I already hate his ex with a passion.She's bratty,she's childish,and you would think the bitch was 11 years old.

I kinda always knew she had something over his head,but never questioned it,because,stupidly I thought "He would tell me if anything was wrong".

Wrong....wrong....soooo fuckin wrong!

I've known you since I was 13...we've been together 3 years...and a 4 year old child didn't seem like an important factor to share?

It baffles me...how you can look me in my eyes and say that you love me,and I feel comfortable...yet I think back now...and it held some elements of a lie.....

.......to be continued......